Stepping Out

photo (1)

I can almost feel the spray of the water, hear the rushing and roaring of the waves in my ears. My trembling hands gripped tightly to the solid feel of the wooden boat. My heart full of icy fear and doubt, whispering, “If it’s really you, Lord…”

“Yes, come”, he says.

Come and follow me. Leave behind the safety of your little world. Deny yourself; your dreams, your plans and your desires. Take up your cross and follow me.

How many times this past year have I repeated those same words that Peter uttered, “If it’s really you, Lord…show me, make it clear, give me the courage, change hearts, open doors, provide what I need.” The list goes on and on. Over and over again He proves himself faithful. He gives me just the scripture I needed to hear, just the bit of encouragement to continue. Provision at exactly the right time. Doors opened, hearts changed. I sit in total amazement of this Jesus who is my Lord and who loves me like no one will ever love me.   He is so good and He has poured out grace upon grace upon grace in my life. I know that. It is like bedrock for my soul. He is the anchor for my life, holding me steadfast in turbulent seas. But the doubts, boy do they come. They come at me fast and angry in the stillness of the evening when all of my babies are tucked tightly into their beds. While I lay under the thick blanket of the night, alone with my thoughts. What if I can’t? I don’t deserve this blessing. I haven’t been faithful. I am not a good enough mother. What if, what if, what if??? My fears, my doubts are because of my weakness. I know full well how broken I am, how faithless and how still steeped in sin I am. It smacks me in the face and drives me straight to my knees. In the darkness I cling like a terrified child to His promise.

” …I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you…Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:5,9

While I am weak, He is strong. While I am faithless, He is faithful. I know His grace is sufficient for me, that His power is made perfect in weakness.  I know that when He calls, He equips. So while none of this may make sense by the world’s standards, I know that I will follow Him, no matter where He takes me. It most certainly won’t be easy but I can rest in the promise that He will never leave me. He will be with me and that’s enough for me. It compels me to loosen my grip on the familiar, to stick one wobbly leg over the edge, followed by the other. To feel the joy and the exhilaration as I find myself looking into the face of my Savior and standing atop the raging seas.